rantings.next

One Hell of a Year

I started a long and long-overdue blog post, looking back over the past tumultuous year. Angsty, filled with retrospectives about lost friends, betrayal, heartache…

Then the Army of Kids came over for their good-night hugs and kisses: Emma and Sarah obviously, but also James and Joey, Owen and Adam.

I’m sitting here on my couch, with a house full of kids getting ready for bed. The most amazing woman I’ve ever met is upstairs wrangling the boys to bed, kissing some, reading the riot act to others. Once she’s done, she’ll come back downstairs and we’ll share our days, and share the night.

In every sense of the word, this past year has changed my life for the better. In every possible way, I’m happier than I’ve ever been.

So, there’s no need for bellyaching and bringing up the past, reliving the things that happened. Without those things, I wouldn’t be where I am now - surrounded by love, happy and content with where I am, and where we’re going.

Thank you to everyone this year. Without you, I wouldn’t be where I am.

Most of all, thank you to Megan. Thank you for being amazing, for filling our home with love, for accepting me for who I am, faults and warts along with the good and wonderful, too.

Thank you, Megan, for picking me.

Happy Holidays, everyone. I hope you have a wonderful New Year.

Out of Left Field

So, I could write on and on about all the changes and happenings in my life over the past months, especially the past month.

I could tell you all about my trip to Cape Cod and Boston, about going to Fenway and seeing the Red Sox beat the Royals. I could tell you about all the changes at home, and the fact that things are finally starting to come to a conclusion. I could tell you about the concert I went to on Monday night, and listening to two of my favorite voices perform live – a concert that I didn’t think I’d be able to ever see, in a venue that’s just breathtaking.

I could sit here and spout all kinds of wonderful things, amazing things, coincidences and moments that still shock and amaze me.

I am flabbergasted. I am amazed.

People keep telling me that I deserve it, that I deserve the sudden and unexpected changes in fortune. Keep telling me that I’ve worked hard and I’m finally getting the rewards of working hard, that I’ve given up so much of myself and taken so many hits, wear so many scars that the universe is finally bringing some balance back.

Perhaps.

I prefer to just not think about any of it. I prefer to enjoy it.

I prefer to get up in the morning, and make a cup of coffee. I prefer to sit on my front porch while it’s still dark out and watch the sunrise. I prefer to watch my hummingbird feeder, and enjoy the daily visit from my hummingbird friend.

I prefer to spend my time with my girls, listening to them tell me about their day, how long they went swimming, visiting family and spending the day watching my girls as they sit on the edge between being girls and teenagers. I prefer remembering them when they were small, when I could hold them each in the crook of my arm. I prefer their smiles.

I prefer to spend my time with my friends, old and especially new and unexpected, and enjoy my life. Enjoy the feeling of calm, of being accepted and even loved, to quote Paul Simon, “for who I am, where I am.”

Life sometimes comes at you from out of left field.

For that, I am incredibly grateful.

Finding My Center Again

It’s been far too long since I wrote here.

For those of you who know me – both closely and my friends and followers on the social networks – I’m sure you’re figuring out that I’m going through some pretty complicated and painful life changes.

Betrayal. Hurt and pain. People destroying families and lives, and friendships.

I’m caught in the middle of this hurricane, neither completely blameless nor able to remove myself from this storm.

It would be easy to lash out, to hurt, to cause pain in return. It’d be equally easy to justify all that as things other people deserve, things that they brought on themselves, to tell myself that it was my right to mete out whatever justice I could see fit through yelling and screaming and hurting other people.

Someone reminded me last night of a great quote:

“Anger is like taking poison to try to kill someone else”.

No matter how angry I get, no matter how much I want to force feelings of shame, remorse, repentance, and self-loathing into and onto others, I can’t.

My anger hurts me. My anger hurts the people left in this horrible situation that I still care about: the children who will have to deal with the repercussions and pain for years and years to come. Children who don’t understand why families are being torn apart, lives being uprooted, and are caught in the middle, hurt and sad and confused.

My anger just adds to that hurt.

It is difficult to remove myself from the daily pain just the presence of these people are causing in my life. At work and at home, there is no escape from the regular reminders of just how selfish and hurtful two people can be, how carelessly they regard the feelings of others, how unaware they are of the damage and wreckage they leave behind them. But, in order to work, to live my life, be the Dad my two girls need, and to find peace, that’s what I have to do.

This isn’t a post so much about other people and their actions, as it is me trying to sort through this all and make sense of what’s happening. I’m being as circumspect as I can, out of respect for people who aren’t yet ready to talk about what’s going on, but still – as I often do – I’ll work through my issues both privately and to some extent publicly. It’s who I am.

I’ve lost my center – at this point, I’m not sure I can see my center from where I am. But, I have to find it again.

I have to remember that I deserve so much better than what I’ve been dealt, and that no amount of forgiveness that I can offer, no amount of loneliness or sadness means that I will settle for less than I deserve.

Until I figure that out – how to find my center again, how to find at least peace – you may see a lot of public thinking. Here, on the Twitters and Facebooks, and elsewhere. If that’s not something you want to see, ignore me, unfollow me, hide me.

Otherwise, stick around to watch the mess unfold. Offer your friendship and understanding. In any case, your friendship and support, True Believers, is welcome and appreciated.

Spring Cleaning

Just a quick note, in case things act weird for a day or two – I’m switching things around here, doing a little spring cleaning, and consolidating/migrating from brazism.com to braz.me.

It’s shorter. It’s easier to remember. And, if I did it right there shouldn’t be any issues with switching domains around…