rantings.next

Finding My Center Again

It’s been far too long since I wrote here.

For those of you who know me – both closely and my friends and followers on the social networks – I’m sure you’re figuring out that I’m going through some pretty complicated and painful life changes.

Betrayal. Hurt and pain. People destroying families and lives, and friendships.

I’m caught in the middle of this hurricane, neither completely blameless nor able to remove myself from this storm.

It would be easy to lash out, to hurt, to cause pain in return. It’d be equally easy to justify all that as things other people deserve, things that they brought on themselves, to tell myself that it was my right to mete out whatever justice I could see fit through yelling and screaming and hurting other people.

Someone reminded me last night of a great quote:

“Anger is like taking poison to try to kill someone else”.

No matter how angry I get, no matter how much I want to force feelings of shame, remorse, repentance, and self-loathing into and onto others, I can’t.

My anger hurts me. My anger hurts the people left in this horrible situation that I still care about: the children who will have to deal with the repercussions and pain for years and years to come. Children who don’t understand why families are being torn apart, lives being uprooted, and are caught in the middle, hurt and sad and confused.

My anger just adds to that hurt.

It is difficult to remove myself from the daily pain just the presence of these people are causing in my life. At work and at home, there is no escape from the regular reminders of just how selfish and hurtful two people can be, how carelessly they regard the feelings of others, how unaware they are of the damage and wreckage they leave behind them. But, in order to work, to live my life, be the Dad my two girls need, and to find peace, that’s what I have to do.

This isn’t a post so much about other people and their actions, as it is me trying to sort through this all and make sense of what’s happening. I’m being as circumspect as I can, out of respect for people who aren’t yet ready to talk about what’s going on, but still – as I often do – I’ll work through my issues both privately and to some extent publicly. It’s who I am.

I’ve lost my center – at this point, I’m not sure I can see my center from where I am. But, I have to find it again.

I have to remember that I deserve so much better than what I’ve been dealt, and that no amount of forgiveness that I can offer, no amount of loneliness or sadness means that I will settle for less than I deserve.

Until I figure that out – how to find my center again, how to find at least peace – you may see a lot of public thinking. Here, on the Twitters and Facebooks, and elsewhere. If that’s not something you want to see, ignore me, unfollow me, hide me.

Otherwise, stick around to watch the mess unfold. Offer your friendship and understanding. In any case, your friendship and support, True Believers, is welcome and appreciated.